Texan trouble

[Russell]

I've been doing a little bit research here and there on my new home of Texas and quite frankly it's beginning to scare me out of my wits. Being born and raised in Britain I've had a fairly tame life, the worst aspects being the odd cloud in summer and every town having it's little group of chavs hanging around outside the corner shop smoking and spitting. Admittedly we as a nation are known for coal miners foaming at the mouth, but that was a northern thing in the late seventies, football hooligans which were an eighties phenomenon, Oasis in the nineties and the worst we get these days are tube workers going on strike and hoddies with knives which are on the whole an inner city slum scum ting. I suppose there is the wrath of the Womens institute to be taken into account, but on the whole so long as you can steer clear of the sports pub at kicking out time on a Saturday night you'll be OK. Even our plants and wildlife are fairly tame. I don't know of any guide book to walking in the countryside that tells the reader that they have to dress up in a certain way to protect them from anything, we've got one venomous snake being the adder, which yes is venomous, but only just. I've only ever seen three snakes in my entire life in Britain and then only one of those was an adder. Other than that we've only got a small chance of being bitten by mosquitoes on a summer night and of course the most ferocious of all would be the Scottish Midge. An insect so small that it would fit on a pin head. Not exactly the creatures nightmares are made of! The dangers of British plant life extends to the humble bramble and the nettle. Brambles are OK because they reward you with a little scratch and a whole load of Blackberries, nettles simply itch for five minutes and also make a great soup.

So what does Texas have to offer? Let's see; In the lonely planet guide it is mentioned that Texans are fiercely independent being the only state to have once been a truly in dependant country in itself before the union. Every citizen is entitled to take a test which allows them to carry a hidden firearm resulting in the quote; 'be nice to everyone in case they blow your head off' and 'if pulled over by a state trooper, do not reach for anything in your pockets like a licence, simply keep your hands on the steering wheel unless you want to be introduced to the latest Smith and Western product'. Over 80% of the population in the town of Mission, Texas where I'll be residing with my future wife AJ, for at least three years are of Mexican descent and thus Spanish speaking, so I'll also be in a bit of a predicament without my Spanish phrase book. As for the Texan flora and fauna, Texas is known as the allergy capital of the USA. I'll quote from another guide book here; 'The cedar tree turns many Texans and visitors into sniffling, sneezing, wheezing wrecks.' Something else that also surprised me was the fact that the Saguaro cactus tree shown in so many adverts for Texas, does not actually grow any where in the state, but is from Arizona instead. "weird!" Now the most intimidating thing I've read so far is on the wildlife. It reads like a script out of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Hideously Scary Things. Texas is home to several types of creepy crawly terrors including tarantulas and 11 species of stinging scorpion, going slightly up the food chain there are over a 100 varieties of snakes to recognise, 16 being deadly. For the braver soul, you have; mountain lions, panthers and alligators to wrestle with. As Texas is huge, in fact it is the second largest state in America after Alaska. To give you an idea of scale, Texas is larger than the whole of Germany, the United Kingdom, the Republic of Ireland, Belgium and the Netherlands combined thus the climate varies wildly depending on what region you are in. As I'll be down south this means pretty darn hot in spring, forehead meltingly hot in the summer ( daily average: 100 F / 38C), swelteringly hot in autumn and just plain old hot in winter with a regular 80% humidity to boot. Texas also leads the nation in tornadoes with an average of almost 130 per year and its close proximity to the Gulf coast means it is susceptible to hurricanes as well. Oh boy is this going to be a huge change to a southern English softy like myself! Thank goodness I'll have my wife AJ and Justice the deadlocked super pooch to keep me safe from harm. What a huge adventure ahead I have!!!!

[Electromagnetic Impulses]

Wow...you just sure that you take good care of yourself, and remember to invite me over for a week at some point within those 3 years? ???

maybe

Jay

[Russell]

of course my horse